Falling through the cracks
by Maybe I Just Loved You
Summary: It's official. I'm the one they forgot. The best friend Big Time Rush left behind. No one really notices me anymore, it's like I'm falling through the cracks of life. Maybe I should just end it. Maybe I should just let myself slip completely through. I just don't really know anymore. Rated T for suicide attempt. OC story, please Read and Review. :D
1. I'm forgotten

**I don't own big time rush.**

Bailey's POV

I was the one they left behind.

Sure, the four of them left behind countless hockey buddies, a trail of ex girlfriends, and plenty of classmates. But I had always thought I was a little more special to them, that I would never be forgotten.

My name is Bailey Allen. I have been best friends with Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan since I was 7.

Correction I had.

The five of us had always done everything together, I had thought that nothing could break us. I was wrong of course.

The day those boys left, I stated slipping through the cracks. I tried being friendly, but I could tell I no longer belonged at the lunch table where the boys' old hockey teammates sat. I couldn't fit in with anyone really

It was like the whole school was a puzzle, and without the boys piece's, I just couldn't fit in it.

It wasn't like people we're mean to me, I still got the occasional wave in the hall, or smile as I bought lunch,but really I was just forgotten.

Maybe I could have tried a bit harder to be social, but it was just so damn hard. To try and join conversations I wasn't a part of. To hang out with people who I had nothing in common with. I could tell no one really cared if I joined them or not, so why try?

Eventually I just sort of stopped trying to find friends.

I stopped trying to make plans for the Friday nights that had used to be devoted to sleepovers with the guys. Stopped trying to find people to sit with at lunch, the library was much quieter anyway. I just stopped trying to be what I used to be.

And things were fine for those first few months. My mom got a little worried when I stopped having friends, when I no longer texted anyone, no longer needed money to do anything fun, but it was fine. I was fine.

Then the boys first song came out, then another, then another. And the whole town became Big Time Rush crazy.

The whole thing was kind of a shock though.

I kept telling myself they would call, or text, or something. But they never did.

The whole thing was just a reality check really. They forgot about me. They forgot.

I thought that with the whole popularity of Big Time Rush, kids at school would start asking me questions, and hanging out with me with hopes BTR would notice them in the same way they did with the rest of BTR's old friends. But no one ever did.

If they did, I don't know what. I would have said though. That I lost all contact with them? That I knew as much about them as the next person did?

Maybe I should be glad no one did.

A year past, they never called, never texted.

They missed my birthday. I had sent them each a happy birthday text, but I never got a reply.

On my birthday, I had woken up and thought that maybe, maybe today, they'd remember.

The only thing I got that day was a store bought cupcake from my mom, and a stupid gift card. No message, no phone call. Nothing.

There was no party, no special surprise, it was just a regular day.

That was the day that it hit me. I had really fallen through the cracks, been completely forgotten.

The worst part was that I couldn't even tell my Mom the one thing, the only thing I wanted, for fear of sounding like some sort of friendless loser. Which I guess now I am.

The only thing I want though. Is my friends back.

* * *

I guess the whole Birthday thing changed my opinion on them entirely.

I found their music to be mindless pop.

The spray tans and pop star outfits stupid.

The way they acted like they cared the worst. If you look at them, you would never think that they left behind a best friend, and completely forgot about her.

I tried to keep telling myself they remembered me though, the girl who they used to do everything with. That they just got a little busy, nothing more. I hoped as much as I could that something would change, that they would make some effort to reach out to me.

Time passed though, and I just tried to forget rather than keep on trying.

* * *

It was a cold November day, the kind that in movies people spend snuggled up on a big couch, in front of cozy fire, drinking hot cocoa.

My life is not a movie, because in no movie do people freeze their butt of in a sweatshirt and skinny jeans with knockoff Uggs, walking home from school, and being pelted by freezing rain, all while lugging a 20 pound backpack with 3 hours of homework in it.

By the time I got home from school, the chills running through my body were so bad, I could barely last a second without shivering.

I changed into a pair of comfy sweats, and an old sweater, with the fluffiest socks I could possibly find, before deciding to head back to the living room, and procrastinate on my homework, and watch some tv.

I flipped through channel, after channel, watching snippets of animals jumping around, over dramatic actress flailing around, and mindless kids tv shows just being stupid.

In between some channel that was playing an old soap opera, and a reality tv show about people in skimpy swimwear cooking in a tropical island, while crying about there 'oh-so terrible problems' something caught my eye.

"Welcome back to Stau-R TV. We put the U-R in Star!" Some over the top, too much make up wearing, definitely not enough clothes wearing, talk show host announced. "Today's guest, is the ever popular boy band. Big Time Crush. Whoops, I mean Rush. But when look at these boys you'll certainly get a crush."

The cheesy joke wasn't the only thing that left me feeling ready to break the tv. Seeing my best friends on live tv made me get heartbreak from missing them all over again.

"So boys, I heard that you guys are going on tour?" The TV announcer said, giggling a little.

"Yea, were going on tour in a little over a week." Kendall answered, smiling at the audience. Tons of clapping, and various shouts were heard off camera. I wanted to cry. I missed them so much.

"But first we're visiting our old hometown. We're going to spend our last couple days there before touring for the next few months." Logan answered, obtaining just as many cheers.

"Exciting." Miss Perky Pants said, "Anybody special back home?"

"Girlfriend wise, no." James started. This was my chance, maybe they'd say how much they missed being the five of us, and how they actually remembered I exist.

"But we have some great friends back home. Our old hockey teammates, and our old neighbors."

"Oh yea." Kendall chimed in. "Some one very special to all of us. She's very kind, and we miss her like crazy. Carlos' dog Sparky!" The audience laughed, but I felt tears start to fall. Did they really not remember me?

"No special girls back home?"

"Not really, just the four of us, some hockey teammates, pretty much it." Carlos said.

It's official.

I'm the one they forgot. I'm the one no one remembers.

The minor character in the story of Big Time Rush that no one realises was a part of the story.

I fell through the cracks of everyone's lives.

* * *

That is what started me to fall through the cracks of my own life too.


	2. Friends are overrated

AN-** So this chapter is going to get a little dark, and there will be a sucrose attempt. Just saying.**

_Bailey's POV_

I cried. I cried as I turned off the TV. I cried as I walked down the hall. I cried as I walked into the bathroom. But I didn't feel like I was crying. Sure I felt the tears, and tasted the saltiness, and could hear my cracking breath. But I didn't feel like I was crying on the inside. There was no pain. No emotion.

Or maybe I had just given up so long ago, and now I was finally just breaking down.

I wiped my eyes, and washed my face. Trying to erase the red tear stains.

I shouldn't be crying. I shouldn't be crying. I shouldn't be crying.

I should have friends beside them. I should have a life besides wondering if they remember me. I should, but I don't.

Why don't I? Is it because I'm ugly?

I always thought I was fine looking. Maybe I'm not though.

My pale skin was dry. So is everybody else's though, could dry winter skin make me ugly?

My eyes are wide, and a plain old brown color. Not horrid, but not exciting.

My hair is long, and dark and wavy. I always liked it, but maybe it's ugly. Maybe everyone else sees it as a dead and limp monstrosity that is god awful.

I look in the mirror, a pale dark eyed homeless looking girl looks back. Did I really look that scared all the time? Did I always seem so tired? So sad?

I opened up the medicine cabinet, and grabbed my small makeup bag. I pulled out my mascara wand and reapplied it.

I took my favorite lip color and quickly applied it to my slightly chapped lips.

With the makeup on, I looked better. Not amazing, but better.

As I put the makeup back, I saw the orange bottle.

My moms meds. All lined up in a row.

Easy to take them. Open the bottle and just chug them. Couldn't take that long to kill me.

I touch the lid of one of them, then quickly draw my hand back.

Not now.

Maybe sometime. But not now. To early in the day, something would go wrong.

When night falls maybe.

Maybe.

"Bailey?" I hear my mom call.

Her shift is done for the next hour before she heads to her second job. The only hour I really get to see her.

Maybe the last.

"In the bathroom." I call. I turn on the sink and run my hands under for a few seconds.

Maybe to help her think I want doing anything wrong, that I was just doing what most do in the bathroom.

Or maybe for myself, to try and wipe away the happy feeling I got! when I was so close to the pills and was so close to leaving.

"Hey, so I was thinking of making like soup or something for dinner. Sound good?" My mom can not cook. But if it comes in a can, box, or only needs to be microwaved, she can heat it up without burning it, most of the time.

"Fine."

"Hey, you got any plans this weekend?"

It was a ritual. Every Friday night she asks me. Every time I respond a quiet, "No." And we move on, sometimes she'll say 'that's too bad." Or, "Maybe we can do something fun when I get home."

We never do though. She comes home, usually a bit drunk, then goes off to bed, and I don't see her until the next morning.

My parents got a divorce because my mom was on the road to becoming an alcoholic. Then she won custody of me, and tried to change that. For the most part she's been good, but nights at the bar where she works are harder.

She told me that Men buy her drinks, and spend more if she gets a little tipsy as they get drunk. By the end of the night she's a hot mess, but a little bit richer. It's not the best way to make money, but it's a way that supports us.

We eat the soup while watching tv. No Big a Time Rush interviews, just mindless reality shows with characters my mom yells at.

"God Helen, let Antonio sweep you off your feet. Jacque is a mess and won't be able to support your six children and goat farm. If I had the choice I would ditch the kids and goats and let Antonio take me, any day."

My mom then leaves, to start another ritual.

She paints on her face, and puts on her white shirt and black pants. The first couple buttons of her shirt never end up ever getting buttoned, she said that's how she earns most of her money.

She asks me how she looks, and I say fine, and she laughs. She leaves.

I usual spend the night doing homework, or watching some tv. Not tonight.

I will do it tonight, I decided.

If no one can remember me, and my moms struggling to parent a child when secretly she wants an Antonio and no responsibilities, why should I keep trying.

I grab the first bottle I see, and take a handful and then some, and just swallow them.

I wash it down with water. Then go to lie on my bed.

I start to feel it, the cloudiness.

Who cares if I'm forgotten?

Friendship was always overrated anyway.

**Okay, so I have the chapter after this written and stuff. Spoiler Bailey will survive this time. Next chapter should be up really soon. Please leave a review of what ya thought.**


	3. Hospitals smell like ass

**AN- Sooooo, haven't updated in a while, sorry I've just had summer stuff. But I'm back, here's this chapter. Good enough AN.**

Bailey's POV

Ya know how in movies when people attempt suicide they wake up in the caring arms of the mother, and have the kind father staring over, and the sweet boyfriend kisses her, while the little sibling showers them with stories and drawings and all that crap?

Not how it worked out for me, not even close.

Firstly, I was alone, no mother. Obviously no father. And I never had a sibling. I'm not even going to stsrt on the idea of me having a 'boyfriend.'

Secondly, I hurt all over. My throat hurt, my stomach hurt, my eyes hurt, my god damned ears hurt.

And third and finally, I was sad, and scared, and really confused.

I had meant to end my life, not to wind up in a hospital.

The smell of hospitals made me want to vomit, and then rip of my nose.

"Hello?" I whispered out. Maybe I didn't want anyone to hear me to be forgotten about, to die in this very room a few weeks from now. Maybe.

A few minutes later, some doctor or nurse or something barged in.

"Miss Allen I presume?" He asked.

I nodded. My throat hurt, and being silent was one step closer to disappearing.

"That was one scare you gave your mother." He said.

"How, how," I croaked, shit that hurt.

"How'd she get you here quick enough? How'd she help save you?" I nodded again.

"It was luck, or fate really. She said that she felt something off when she left for her job, came home ten minutes later, and found you unconcious."

My mother. She saved me. Should I love her, or hate her for that.

"How long have I been here." I whispered. Still hurt. And I sounded like a demon. Just the impression I wanted to make.

"About a day. Your mother should be here soon, and then we can talk about meeting a psychiatrist."

"Why?" Stupid, stupid question.

"It's mandatory. She should be here shortly. Would you like any food." The perms smile never once left his teeth, but I could tell he didn't like it that way.

I sat. And waited. And sat. And waited.

I had been out for a day, this whole shit would probably take a day. And who knows what would happen after that.

"Bailey?" I heard my mom squeak out.

She wasn't dressed like her usual slightly richer than trailer self with the heels and the short little stuff. She was wearing sweats and sneakers, her hair looked unwashed, and her makeup was barely there.

I thought if I left Mom would dress all party hardy and meet her dream guy. Not fall apart and forget she has to get her hair dyed ever other Friday.

"Bailey, oh Bailey. Why? Was I a bad mom. Was it the kids at school. Oh Bailey sweetie."

I didn't speak. I couldn't.

Shd made me feel so bad. I wanted to help her. I thought this could be good for us.

"You don't have to tell me. I won't make you." She petted my head sort of. Like it was like she was trying to hug me, but it around the top of my head with one hand.

"Mrs. Allen? Bailey is going to be taken to her exam now. We have some forms for you to fill out, and after she gets a diagnosis we'll have some more protocol." This was a new person. She was smiling, but it was cold. She wouldn't look at me either.

She walked me down the hall. I lost track of all the turns, and all the doors, everything looked the same, it was so hard to keep track.

"Bailey? Hi, I'm Zac, I'll be asking you a few questions today." The guy was young, he looked around mid thirties, but could pass for younger.

"Then can I leave?"

"Well, that's what this is for."

The questions were easy, how did I feel. Fine. Had I tried commiting suicide before. No. How is school. Fine. Do people bully me. No. How was my home life. Fine. Did I have a bad relationship with my mother. No.

Why did I commit suicide.

To give my mother what she wanted. To let people forget about me. To let myself stop thinking about four very specific reasons.

"I thought. I dont know what I thought. Maybe, that leaving is better than staying, and being alone."

"Can you elaborate?" He stared into my eyes.

"I don't have many friends. I don't have some big family. I have my mom, and that is it in my life. I thought that I was forgotten, and if I just died, that it could do more good than harm. But it was stupid, I see that now okay? My mom needs me, and so I was stupid, and bad, but I won't do it again. Okay." I was near shouting, I felt so open, so exposed.

"Thank you Bailey. I'm going to talk some things over with Dr. Hamilton, and then we'll talk about where you're going from here." He left.

I was just another forgotten soul to him too. He would never remember me if he saw me, never match my face to a memory. He was exactly why I tried to die. Irony at it's finest.

Minutes past. I couldn't tell how many, unti. The door opened, until two people entered. Zac and my Mom.

"Bailey, you will be free to go, but there are some arrangements." Zac said motioning to my mother.

"Weekly therapy. Just so you can talk out these feelings," my mom said. "And your father is coming to live with you for a while so I can sort out my life and become a better mother figure for you."

"Mom." My mother couldnt leave me with my father. Having him around would be worse than being forgotten.

"Bailey this is something I have to do. I can't be the kind of figure you need in your life right now."

"Where are you going to stay?"

"With my sister, in Maine. I don't know how long, but we both need to sort out our lives."

"No. Mom. No." I felt the tears, I felt them as we walked out of the hospital. as my mother drove home, as we walked into the house. And I felt them in the inside this time. And they hurt.

**So, next chapter BTR appears, and we may learn why Bailey is so upset about her father moving in. Ships you guys wanna see in this! Do you guys want two of the boys to end up together, do you want someone to end up with Bailey, do you want an LA girl to make an appearance, review what you want.**


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